Disspatches

The mordant musings of a cultural attache laughing into the abyss.

For anyone who appreciates the pure comedy of the live action South Park episode we live in, this week has been utterly hilarious. Obviously the big ticket news has been the resignation of Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews. Before I pay homage to the Dishonourable Member for Mulgrave, we need some foreplay. Let us warm up and ventilate the other hilarity of our reality this week before going in.

Hold Your Applause Célèbre

Firstly, fellow riddler Nazeem Hussain this week interviewed celebrity musician Kamahl on Australia’s favourite cultural shit show, The Project. Kamahl was being spruiked as the Yes campaigns latest celebrity endorsement. His support was seen as good PR, an illustration of an ‘influential cultural icon’, who having previously expressed No sympathies, changed his mind once being appraised of all the official information.

The PM, Hannah Dadsby Anthony Albanese, fronted the cameras with a nominee for worst pun of the year (I have several), announcing the Yes campaign had gained “Kamahlmentum”. Someone in the PM’s highly paid comms team must’ve been very proud of themselves when they/them thought of that. As it happens, the best laid puns of mice and men don’t always go to plan and the banger turned into a clanger as it spectacularly black backfired.

Now one can speculate as to why Kamahl reverted to his original No position. Maybe he was trolling. If he was, well played. Perhaps the cultural icon, whose words carry so much weight in the minds of the Australian public, had a Kamahlapropism. A cynical view is, he refused to endorse the Voice because the Government hadn’t paid his invoice. Or maybe he did his own research, and carefully considered a broad range of views from Noel Pearson’s ABC Boyer Lecture, to noted racist John Pilger, concluding with the profundity and erudition of the great warrior philosopher, Anthony Mundine who thinks the Voice is an Uluruse.

Mundine challenging Mayo to a fight would be like Mayo challenging Mundine to a debate.

Whatever his motivations, Kamahl’s comments were beyond humiliating for the Yes campaign and underlined just how shambolic the entire thing has become. After the vaccine, the strategy of recruiting influencers to persuade the public mind ain’t what it used to be. In fact, in a climate where there is a palpable disdain for the elites and the media, I think the obsession with celebrity association is counterproductive. I certainly know in myself, every time I see an Australian celebrity who promoted the vaccine, posting on social media the reasons why they’re voting yes, I feel a sense of contempt. I wonder where they get the audacity to think their opinion has any merit and lean no because of it. However, I am not so petty as to vote out of spite but I’m sure there are some Australians without my capacity for compartmentalisation.

I stand by the prediction this will be the most unsuccessful referendum in Australian history. Previously the lowest was the 1988 referendum which failed in every State, achieving a result of 30.79%. When it comes to changing the Constitution, historically the Labor Party hasn’t got many runs on the board and all metrics indicate this will be no different. FFS Sportsbet, why can’t I bet on this?

Despite the own goals and bad timing, it is sad how the issue been absorbed into the broader culture wars, viewed through the lens of left/right and hampered by public skepticism caused by the vaccine hangover. Information is the currency of democracy and we are living through currency crisis. The result is a polity increasing divided, fragmented and demented, singing from different song sheets, unable to form a consensus. The social schisms amplified by algorithms have found the inevitable rhythm of disunity. We share a country but not a reality. We share a responsibility but not a response. We share a wealth but not the spoils. We share a shame but not a solution. We share a fate, but not an understanding.

Speaking of sharing:

Trudoh! Getting the Bandera Back Together.

The Canadian Parliament made its contribution to comedy this week, one that will live in infamy. Ukrainian leader Zelensky was in town asking for more, when in another PR stunt gone wrong (or who knows maybe it was deliberate), gave a standing ovation to a former Ukrainian soldier. The problematic theatre of this arose when it was revealed the nonagenarian subject of the standing ovation was a former Nazi and member of the infamous Waffen SS regiment in Ukraine during WW2.

After this monumentally embarrassing, offensive yet hilarious comedy of errors, Canadian PM, Infidel Castro Justin Trudeau, fronted the cameras to explain the oversight:

For many around the world, this ignominious moment gave rise to an enormous schadenboner. I mean, even if you like the bloke you’ve gotta concede the optics are both terrible and hilarious. Around the world Trudeau became a symbol of COVID authoritarianism, particularly during the trucker protests, where he froze bank accounts and reflexively smeared anyone who disagreed with him as a Nazi. So for him to host an ACTUAL Nazi in the Canadian Parliament is an example of the pure, unadulterated South Park style satire emblematic of our reality. You couldn’t write it if you tried and if you did, you’d never get funding. If you did and had the misfortune of being in Canada, Infidel Castro might freeze your bank account.

Adios Dan

And finally, the one you’ve been waiting for. On Tuesday, Dictator Dan Andrews resigned, becoming the latest Labor Premier, who like an unwanted pregnancy, isn’t going full term. His heart is not in anymore he reckons, wants to spend more time with Kath and the family trust blah blah.

It was evident to anyone who watched one of his press conferences during the pandemic, his heart, if he has one, was never in it. In fact given the reprehensible ineptitude of his tenure, it’s open to question if his head was ever in it and if it was, it was up his arse.

Sounding like a magpie with laryngitis and looking like Alan Joyce with an extra chromosome, he was condescending, arrogant, evasive, hysterically and deliberately dishonest. His list of misdeeds is long and won’t be retraced here, but for my personal favourite; blindsiding Canberra by signing Victoria up to China’s Belt and Road initiative. Apparently, nobody told Dan Andrews that foreign policy is not within the purview of a State Premier.

An ineptocrat immune to accountability, allergic to transparency, hostile to honesty, compassion and utterly devoid of integrity. His only competence was incompetence and his only redeeming quality is he united people in their contempt of him. He’s so loathed, many would like to see him forcibly injected with the remaining vaccines, shot with rubber bullets, be forced to shelter under a wall built by Grocon and psychologically tortured by listening to his own press conferences on an endless loop.

To borrow and expand upon Ambrose Bierce’s phrase, ‘he spoke with the wisdom of a million fools, the courage of a thousand cowards, the diction of a dullard and the cadence of a cunt.’ Like Justin Trudeau, Jacinda Arden and Mark McGowan, Dan Andrews was a member of the Four Labor Leaders of the Apocalypse. Given the residual antipathy towards him, I wonder how long taxpayers will have to pay for his VicPol security detail.

Under his reign of error, the worlds supposedly most liveable city became a heavily indebted wasteland. He presided over a State divided in a way not seen since the conscription referendum in WWI. I don’t think there is a State Premier the history of this country, who generated so much contempt and hostility. The hatred of him will remain and I will personally miss him. His resignation forces the retirement of 5 minutes of my Melbourne set list. It’s a shame to lose Dan Must Gomentum, but as a wise man once said, keep Kamahl and carry on.

He left the job knowing the insipid COVID Inquiry announced by the PM will not examine his decisions during the pandemic. He will never be held to account or be made apologise for his actions. In this country, if you’re lucky enough to get an apology, you have to wait 200 years for it. He also leaves a legacy of $226 billion in debt and it’s not clear anyone has an idea how to fix the mess (which doesn’t involve selling more public assets).

What remains to be seen, is if the Labor Party continues with its favourite time honoured tradition of giving the captaincy of a stinking and sinking ship to a woman. In WA during the 90’s, Carmen Lawrence took the reins after the WA Inc era. In NSW, it was Kristina Keneally at the helm in the aftermath of the Obeid/Tripodi era. There’s nothing quite like empowering women with the poison chalice of leading a government in a dire budgetary position. It’s like giving them keys to a car they rarely get to drive, only to discover the fuel light is on, the tyre is flat, the spare has been sold, the rego is overdue and the road perilous.

The other deficit he leaves, is a trust deficit. Many Victorians and Australians have an indelible memory of the pandemic years. For some, the memory of militarised Police firing non-lethal rounds, arresting pregnant mothers for social media posts and viciously assaulting citizens shattered their illusions, leaving a form of PTSD. The pervasive climate of fear and division revealed the fragility of our societies, the frightening ease with which neighbour could turn on neighbour and the Police upon its citizens. Those scenes will shape the thinking of many for years to come.

In a time where citizens were forced to wear masks, the captured State showed its face and Daniel Andrews as the Premier of Victoria was certainly no fucken oil painting. In the context of the federation, the prevailing view the State’s had no powers, was put to rest as the pandemic revealed the State Premier’s to be the most powerful politicians in the land. They struggle to raise funds but not your living standards. If the stage managed departure of the pandemic era leaders is supposed to be some sort mea culpa designed to help restore trust in the electorate, then I’ll be curious to see how that plays out.

The other things that are not as easily quantifiable as a loss of financial capital, is the loss of social and intellectual capital. When it comes to the former, he squandered political capital, the remaining bonds of trust, mutuality and reciprocity. He burned institutional legitimacy, fuelled division, suspicion and sent many into dire financial circumstances, not to mention poor mental health.

When it comes to intellectual capital, it will be sometime before the cumulative effects of the pandemic measures are known. There was certainly an exodus of people from Victoria, presumably mostly professionals who could afford to do so. However, in the mind of your despondent, apparently “far-right” correspondent, the effects of prolonged lockdowns, face masks and the vaccine, particularly on children will be the ultimate judge of Daniel Andrews.

The question is, what does he do next? No doubt the revolving door will hit him on the way out. Personally, I think the board of Pfizer is too predictable, and we can rule out Linsday Fox’s group of companies. PwC? KPMG? There’s certainly options for retiring politicians without a social conscience. Maybe he might find employment at CH7 under Kerry Stokes and take the role left vacant by Ben Roberts-Smith. I mean if Ben Cousins can work there, why not Dan?

Perhaps most likely, absent a gig with the WEF or the Altantic Council, he will join the other quislings like Ben Wyatt, Michael Gunner and Mark McGowan to earn a crust with the mining mafia, once the 6 month prohibition ends of course. His aptitude for shamelessly bullshitting makes him a worthy candidate for Andrew Forrest’s green energy mob FFI. Although, given his skills set and track record of destroying something once loved, he’s more suited for the board of Qantas. No matter how history judges Dan Andrews, if there is a stairway to heaven, no doubt he’ll lie about how he fell down those stairs too.

Should he beat me to the grave, I’ll make sure to relieve myself on his tombstone on his before I go, which will surely read:

HERE LIES DAN ANDREWS.